Oniiii-chan said:  I have a crush on (a person we’ll call A)

Dear Oniiii-chan,

Firstly, I think you wanted the name of your crush to stay in but due to not knowing them or the whole situation, I can’t. I want to keep everyone comfortable, sorry! 

So, since I don’t know much about your situation, I’ve listed a few things below that people can consider when they have a crush on someone.

• Are you wanting a relationship with them?
  • It’s good to remember you can be interested in someone and still not want a relationship with them. Check-in with yourself! If you’re finding you wouldn’t want to pursue anything with them, maybe focusing on friendship is the way to go?
• Are they in a relationship?
  • See below for a bit more advice on this situation.
• How long/well do you know them?
  • If you don’t know them well, see below for ideas on starting conversations if needed.
  • If you do, that’s great! Having previous friendly encounters is an important building block in seeing how you two work together and easing into something more.
• Do you think they like you/want a relationship?
  • Difficult to know, but any bits of info on this can be extremely helpful in how you proceed.

If the outlook is fairly good, you’ve gotten to know them and you both want a relationship, move on to brainstorming ways to ask them out! Would they want a big gesture or maybe just a casual conversation? (Keeping their comfort in mind.) You could even start thinking of date ideas. 

I wish you the best of luck and I’d love to hear how it turns out!

Sincerely,

El

Lonely’s situation: 

So I have a huge crush on this person who’s name I will not be specifying. Everything about them is perfect, they’re very sweet, have a great personality, they’ve got great looks, etc. My problem is that I feel like I’ve been creeping this person out a bit; I tend to stare at them and follow them around a lot because I have a bit of trouble saying hi and starting a conversation. Any tips for how to talk to them? Also, to make matters worse, they happen to be dating someone who isn’t me, and my crush’s significant other is… not exactly the best person in the world. I can’t help but find myself getting jealous, to the point where I almost threw up after seeing them kiss during lunch. Any advice about this situation? (Please don’t give me that same rant that my friends keep giving me about how “if you liked them you’d be happy that they’re happy”) 

Dear Lonely,

So this person sounds amazing, but that’s quite a predicament. I think it could be beneficial to first consider that it might be best to try to move on from them? If it physically pains you to see them with someone else, make sure you wouldn’t be making your life more difficult if you were to talk to them often. However, it’s understandable if that’s not possible, we can’t choose who we like.

Now, one thing that stood out to me is that you felt you were being creepy. One of the main pitfalls of showing that you’re constantly aware and interested is it could be overwhelming or intimidating for them. You probably want to be more approachable. (You could do this by following them less or being strategic about showing your interest.)

However, the goal is for them to start to notice you, right? Here are some ideas on how to start conversations that could at least lead to a friendly image of you.

• Having a class with them is ideal, a great way to possibly get on a project with them, commiserate over homework or even just have the opportunity to show your personality by sitting at the same table.
• If you have any mutual friends, organizing a group hangout could be a great way to get to know each other in a less tense environment. (This could also give you some control over who is invited.)
• Join an extracurricular they’re in to get something in common or even their number.
• If none of these sound helpful to your situation, compliment them! Like while passing in the hall, compliment their jacket and ask where they got it. Everyone loves compliments. Although while compliments are nice, keep in mind their comfort.
• After a conversation is started, if you can direct it to similar interests, that’s a great way to connect and keep it going.

I would also warn against doing anything to purposefully hurt their current relationship. Getting a label of being someone who messed with what was going well for them would destroy any chance you could have had with them, regardless of being a really poor thing to do.

The main thing you can do here is control their perception of you. Put yourself in a position that makes you important to them and puts you in a good light. Being genuine in what you say and do shows that you’re a good person and someone they want to get close to. 

Sincerely,

El 

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